If I think about my conversations with clients, friends, family and even where I coach girls at school, I recognise shame at work in almost all of them. That is because like fear and anxiety, shame is part of us being human.Yet, very rarely do we recognise that it is shame that is silently shaping our experiences. Instead we speak about overthinking, perfectionism, feeling inadequate, stress, overworked, avoiding difficult conversations or we struggle to recover from criticism or negative feedback.Shame rarely introduces itself
Most people are capable and responsible, functioning well, carrying a great deal, though they are unaware. Unaware that beneath their competence lies a concern that if their limitations or flawedness were exposed, others will think less of them.Shame often sounds like this: I should have known better, I am not as capable or qualified, I am too much, I am not enough. This is shame wrapped around deeply held core self-assessments that determines what feels safe and possible and it lives in our internal conversations and narratives.Shame is also deeply relational because it is driven by our need for acceptance, respect and belonging and therefore our fear of exposure. This is why a correction, a disappointed expression or a difficult question can provoke a reaction that seems much larger than the situation itself. This is when shame becomes more visible.This is when our body gets involved and we have a visceral response. Our chest tightens, our heads bow, our breathing changes, we get tunnel vision, our hearts pain and our mind frantically searches for a way out. Neuroscience has not identified “a shame centre”, but research associates shame with several networks involved in arousal, social pain and behavioural inhibition (1). Shame is carried through our body, our emotions and carried through the meaning and stories we make about what has happened. The many ways we try to escape shame
Psychiatrist Donald Nathanson describes four common responses to shame: We withdraw, we avoid, we attack ourselves and we attack someone else (2). We may go silent, minimise what happened, become absorbed in work, criticise ourselves, defend our actions or find someone else to blame. Shame avoidance often looks good. It can look like preparing for every possibility, working longer, becoming indispensable or ensuring no one ever needs to question our contribution. Perfectionism may appear to be a commitment to excellence while it could be about protecting us from exposure or the fear of disappointing someone. The cost of these behavioural patterns however becomes clear when we cannot rest because it feels undeserved, feedbacks become a verdict on our worth, relationships depend on keeping others pleased and mistakes take far too long to recover from. To increase our awareness I encourage you to ask the question “For the sake of what?” to help uncover our true motivation.The stories we learned to live inside
Shame usually has a history. In families, schools, churches and workplaces we learned what receives approval and what creates tension. So, we learn to assume roles like being the responsible one, the achiever, the peacemaker or the independent one.These roles helped us find acceptance and praise, yet gradually they became internal and standards like I am acceptable when I succeed, I am safe when no one is disappointed, I matter when I am useful. Bowen family systems theory helps explain why such patterns carry such power. When our sense of self depends heavily on approval, disagreement and criticism can threaten our connection to the group. We may adapt ourselves, withdraw or try to change the other person so the relationship feels secure again. (3).Growing in maturity then means growing in self-differentiation that allows us to remain connected while becoming clearer about what we think, value and choose. It increased our capacity to hear disappointment, tolerate disagreement and acknowledge failure without spiraling in shame.When an experience becomes an identity
Ontological coaching approaches shame from the interaction between language, emotions and the body. The story “I failed” can become “I am a failure”. That language leads to anxiety, resignation or defensiveness, while the body prepares to contract, perform or protect itself. Repeated often enough, this becomes our way of being. We begin listening through the lens of shame, assessing uncertainty as danger, and acting accordingly. The future becomes smaller because every new possibility carries a risk of exposure (4)There is a big difference between “This proves that I am incompetent” and “I handled this poorly, and I need to understand its impact”. The second statement leaves room to apologise, learn and act differently. Recognising shame gives us language for something that may be governing us without being named. Recognition is only the beginning though. Because shame is rooted in the fear of being seen and rejected, it rarely diminishes through private insight alone. The second part of this series will explore what becomes possible when what has been hidden is brought into a relationship where we can be seen truthfully and remain loved.Until next time,Carine[1] Piretti, L. et al. (2023). “The Neural Signatures of Shame, Embarrassment, and Guilt.” Brain Sciences, 13(4), 559.
[2] Nathanson, D. L. “A Conversation with Donald Nathanson.” Discussion of the Compass of Shame.
[3] Bowen Centre for the Study of the Family. “Differentiation of Self.”
[4] Sieler, A. Coaching to the Human Soul.
