Listening Isn’t Just Listening…

“I didn’t do much during the meeting. I was mostly just listening.”

How often do we say something like this!
Behind this statement lies a common misunderstanding - that listening is passive, something we simply do while others speak. We also tend to assume that speaking comes first and listening follows.

In reality, listening is far from passive. Listening is just as active and powerful as speaking, and both create reality.

Listening and Speaking: Partners in Creation

In my previous blog, I explored how our language creates reality,  how speaking isn’t merely describing the world, but shaping it through the action inherent in our words.

Now, let’s turn our attention to the often-overlooked partner in this dance: listening.

From an ontological perspective (that is, the study of “being”), listening has two key characteristics:

1. We Listen to More Than One Conversation at a Time

Even before someone opens their mouth, we’re already listening - to ourselves.

We all have an internal conversation running silently in the background. This inner dialogue is automatic and ever-present. It shapes what we expect to hear, what we notice, and what we ignore.

For example:
Imagine your colleague starts saying, “We need to talk about your report.”
If your internal conversation is, “I must have done something wrong,” your listening will filter everything through defensiveness.
If your internal conversation is, “I’m eager to learn,” the same words might land as constructive feedback.

We’re always listening to two conversations - the words being spoken and the meaning we’re generating inside our own heads.

2. Listening Is Meaning-Making, Not Just Hearing

Listening isn’t just about hearing words; it’s about making meaning.

When someone speaks, we don’t simply receive their words. We interpret them through our own experiences, education, culture, and personal concerns.

For example, if someone says, “That presentation was bold,” one listener might hear admiration, while another might hear criticism. The difference lies not in the speaker’s words but in the listener’s interpretation.

This insight changes how we think about active listening.
It’s not just about repeating or paraphrasing what the other person said. It’s about recognising that the meaning lives in the listener, not the speaker.

Listening on Autopilot

Much of our listening happens automatically. Without awareness, we may confuse our interpretations for truth and react to what we think someone meant and not what they actually said.

This can lead to unnecessary conflict, missed opportunities, or strained relationships.

Developing the habit of observing how we listen, noticing the filters, assumptions, and emotions that shape our understanding, is a key step toward more grounded, intentional communication.

Listening as a way of showing up

Our listening reveals who we are: our attitudes, moods, and beliefs about the world. It also determines what we’re open to and what we resist.

If our listening is closed or defensive, we stay stuck in old interpretations.
If our listening is open and curious, new possibilities emerge.

This is where coaching can be powerful. Coaching helps you recognise your listening patterns. How they may be holding you back, and how to shift them to create more effective action and meaningful connections.

Listening isn’t a passive activity!
It’s a creative act, shaping our understanding, relationships, and results.

When we start to see listening as active, interpretive, and meaning-making, we open the door to more effectual conversations, new possibilities for action and growth.

Until next time,

Carine