The Right Conversation for the Right Goal
One of the most valuable reminders from my coaching mentors was this:
“The right conversation at the wrong time is the wrong conversation.”
It’s a powerful truth, but there’s another subtle trap many of us fall into: having the wrong type of conversation for the goal we’re trying to achieve.
Even if our timing is perfect, our conversations can still feel unproductive or even pointless if they don’t align with our purpose.
Four Types of Conversations
In TALK, Allison Wood Brooks introduces the Conversational Compass, which identifies four primary goals for conversations. Each type serves a distinct purpose:
SAVOR – Focused on enjoying someone’s company. These conversations are low in information but high in relational connection.
CONNECT – A blend of high information and high relational depth. Here, we share stories, values, and perspectives to build trust and strengthen relationships.
ADVANCE – Centred on achieving a goal or getting things done. These conversations are rich in detail and information, with less focus on relational aspects.
PROTECT – Brief and purposeful, these conversations are low in both information and relational focus, often serving to safeguard another goal (e.g., “I need to leave in 15 minutes.”).
Change Happens Through Conversation
Whether in life or work, human and organisational change is fundamentally conversational. How we show up, the language we use, the emotions we express, and even our physical presence all shape our relationships, open up possibilities, and enable transformation.
The first step in using conversations generatively is becoming aware of our habitual style. The second is intentionally clarifying the purpose of a conversation before we enter it. Developing the ability to consciously navigate all four conversational types is a vital leadership skill.
SAVOR and CONNECT: Deepening Relationships
When we intend to savour or connect, it’s important to create space for stories, experiences, and perspectives to emerge in a safe and accepting environment. These conversations foster trust, healing, and understanding, and they often form the foundation for growth and learning.
However, if we habitually linger only in these modes, we risk becoming stuck. We can end up reinforcing existing narratives rather than transforming them. In other words, our stories “have us” instead of us shaping our stories.
ADVANCE: Turning Understanding into Action
When the goal is to advance something, a project, decision, or plan, the conversation should begin with a conversation for clarity. This is where both parties share their understanding of the goal and what success looks like.
It’s crucial to remember: understanding lives in the listening of the other. Meaning is not created by what we say, but by how the other person interprets it. Taking the time to clarify mutual understanding might feel slow and time-consuming, but it often prevents costly misalignment or damage control later.
Once clarity is established, the next step is a conversation for commitment. This is where many conversations fall short! Without shared understanding and mutual commitment, moving to logistics and next steps is premature.
If someone seems resistant or uncooperative, it’s often not a sign of unwillingness but rather a lack of shared vision or a missing commitment.
Choosing Conversations Intentionally
Every conversation we have is a small but powerful act of leadership. And like any leadership skill, it becomes more impactful with awareness and intention.
As you reflect on your recent conversations, ask yourself:
What was my real goal: to savor, connect, advance, or protect?
Did the type of conversation I engaged in align with that goal?
What might shift if I consciously chose a different conversational style next time?
By learning to adapt our conversations to our intentions, we not only become more effective but we engage in something even more significant: we foster deeper relationships, clearer collaboration, and move not just ourselves, but also others, towards meaningful change.
Until next time,Carine
